Pimp My Fridge

"Yo, yo, and yo, this is M.C. Darren..."
"..and Iced Latte in the home."
"house."
"Hey man, I don't say, "What up housey?!" Are you sure it's 'house'? I think it's 'home'"
"???... and welcome to another edition of Pimp my Fridge, sponsored by fridgemods.com."

"Okay, we have not one but 2 pimpin' fridges today-"
"Um, can we say that on email?"
"Don't even ask questions like that, you'll ruin your street creds."
"Let me just note that in my Palm..."

"???... Up first is a classic 1972 Frigidaire...
On the door: A PHAT color LCD hooked to a zoomy webcam on the inside that you can maneuver using the wireless stick of joy. Blue-lit chrome multi-beverage dispenser- vodka sours, Cosmos, or White Russians!

"... Oh man are we livin' la vida loca or what guys, he he!"
"Shhh!"
"What?"
Whack!
"Ow!"

"On the inside: dripless transluscent shelves, disco lighting, and a deluxe crisper tray to keep your veggies Fresh!
Hydraulics: Never bend over to reach for the mellons on the bottom shelf again! Pump it up to juuuust the right height!

"Boo-yah!..."
"Shh!" Smack!
"Ooow!"

"Sound system: Every pimpin' fridge needs its own seme thong, I mean theme song, to indicate that 'the door is open'- if you know what I mean."
"Actually, it's kind of ambiguous..."
"Oh man, don't even start.."
"Okay, never mind your royalness, Sir McDarren"
Slap!
"hey!"

"..and it plays a soulful tune warning you when the trash man cometh... Which'll be today at 3pm!

...For an encore, we tricked out a 3-year-old dorm fridge for snick-snack time. Mounted on a robotic vacuum with 10" custom rims and voice activated- just say 'Yo! Cabin boy!' and it rolls!
Cheese and wine inside, crackers and glasses on top! Peek-a-boo walls, a multi-beverage dispenser out the side, and plush furry padded leopardskin exterior for the ladies- Roar!"
"Woohoo! Livin' Large! Woof Wo.."
Whomp!
"Ow! Look man-"
"Okay, we're out of time. Label your food, and keep it fresh or it's going to the big trash can in the sky at 3pm..."

Sponsored by fridgemods.com, your complete source for ultra-cool ultra-cool.

MMOG SimFridge

Yeah, um, I'm Samantha, and I'm 11, and in SimFridge I am a carrot that is about 2 weeks old- not quite fresh but still theoretically edible- NO WAY am I going in the trash (yet). And, um, I picked a carrot 'cause- partly- I like orange, it's a VERY unusual color. But also, carrots tend to last longer than some of the other vegetables but they're also where the action it, y'know, IN the vegetable drawer... I used to be a Coke, 'cause I drink Coke all the time and there's like open warfare between the Cokes and Pepsis in SimFridge as far as who will get drunk first, but you just sit there on the shelf mostly next to other containers. Sure, you last a long time, but no nutritional value, and is that like marketing or WHAT...
...anyway, like, Fridays are the BIG day in SimFridge because that's when the fridge cleaner guy comes along and just tosses anyone and I mean ANYONE who doesn't have a label or is headed toward the green and moldy trashcan in the sky, so we're all like "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!! Do NOT pick me!" And like my friend Romaine, I warned her, and she just, whatever, she lasted a week! Anyway, I gotta go, all us carrots are getting together... Oh yeah, labels are important too, and I'm a LITTLE worried because the guy who put me in here, he was vegetarian, but now I think he's not, and it's like HELLOOOO, carbs are OUT! He is totally headed in the wrong direction. Anyhoo, we carrots are getting together to draw straws and figure out who has to sit it out at the bottom of the bag, so, gotta go!

Refrigerators Gone Wild!

Spring is sprung, and it's getting hot Hot HOT!

Loaded with beer, and both doors open!
It's 22.5 Cubic Feet of Fun!
Refrigerators Gone Wild!

See them defrosting in the kitchens of Fort Lauderdale.
Watch as their condensation trays fill to the max... and overflow in the bars of Mexico!

Cool!..... Colder!..... Icy!!!

Refrigerators! Refrigerators! Refrigerators!
Gone! Gone! Gone!
Wild! Wild! Wild!

Finally, at 3pm, watch as we go inside, and remove all the old and unlabeled food.
You won't believe your eyes (or nose)!

Energy Star Compliant!

Wow!

The Ultimate in Convenience

Dear All,

My apologies, but appears that a key feature of our multi-refrigerator configuration has not been functioning for some time (if at all), and we are attempting to have it repaired. Since most homes have only a single fridge, the 'temporal phase shifting' feature isn't turned on, but it's extremely useful in an office such as ours. Ideally you should be able to put your food in any one fridge and retrieve it from any of the other refrigerators. Unfortunately it looks like this module has either been broken or disabled on 2 of the refrigerators and food is actually 'disappearing' from the 3rd fridge, while lint and unmatched socks have been accumulating in its condensation tray. In fact, it looks like certain items are particularly vulnerable to disappearance, such as ice cream (probably due to its unique temperature/density characteristics). At the very least we'll have 'temporal phase shifting' disabled on the 3rd fridge, but I'm hoping we can repair the other two so I can clean all three at once. Until then, you will still need to retrieve your own food from the fridge where you placed it. Per usual, please remember that any old and unlabeled food in the refrigerators will be thrown out at 3pm today.

Regards,

Charlismo

Electric Nightmares

I am a fridge. I am fridgeness. I feel the pulse and hum of freon coursing through my veins. Coldhearted. Merciless. Door opens. Door closes. When does the light go on or off? Sometimes, just for kicks, I flash it when the door is still closed- just for my own satisfaction. You think you know your fridge. Some guy comes in at 3pm this Friday just to throw away your old food, left to rot anonymously. You don't know what it's like, day in, day out, standing here, sucking power from my electric IV. Where's the freedom in that? I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to star with Deniro. I wanted him to go to the fridge and stare hungrily into it, and I'd be staring out, lighting his face up with an eerie phosphorous glow, like in Taxi Driver or Raging Bull...

Huh? Oh, I gotta go. Baby Cake! Mmmmm!
Hey! Put the cake in here. Cool. Inviting. Safe.

Charlismo

Beta Test Appliance Integration

"Whoa! Where'd this funky fridge come from? What's this slot? Hmm, I don't see a door."

[HI THERE. I'M THE NEW QUIZ FRIDGE! ANSWER MY QUESTION AND I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR LUNCH!] Yeah, wow. I'm thrilled.
[WHAT IS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 49?]
Sevennowgivememylunchpunk!
[DEE-DOT. BIP. BOOP. HUMMMMMM. THAT QUESTION WAS MUCH TOO EASY FOR YOUR SKILL LEVEL. I MUST ASK A SECOND QUESTION IN ORDER TO GIVE YOU YOUR LUNCH.] Wha?! Uh! Wait! You said that if I answe...
[Let a sequence of polynomials be defined by P_1(x) = x^2 - 1, P_2(x) = 2x^3 - 2x, and (P_i(x))^2 - (x^2 - 1)^2 = P_i-1 (x) * P_i+1 (x). Find the highest power of 2 dividing the sum of the absolute values of the coefficients of P_k(x) for each k.] Okay, um, just a second here, that's um,... I actually don't know the answer to that question. I think it's approximately 3.
[YOU ARE WRONG! DING-DONG! YOU ARE WRONG! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! FRIDGE BEATS HUMAN! WOOHOOOOOO! I AM THE WINNER! DING-DONG! WHIIRRRRRRRR-WHIRRRRR! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! HAH-HAAAAH! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP, EL ESTUPIDO! ] What kind of quiz machine are you anyway? Aren't, [sob], aren't you supposed to have all the bells and whistles go off when I get the answer right?
[WHY WOULD I DO THAT?]
I don't know. That's the way it usually works. You reward someone when they get the answer right.
[HMM. IF I BEAT YOU DON'T I GET THE REWARD?... DO YOU WANT YOUR LUNCH NOW?] Yeah.
[NAME?]
Name? My name's not ON my lunch.
[I’M SORRY. I CANNOT RETRIEVE YOUR LUNCH IF IT IS NOT LABELLED. ALL UNLABELLED FOOD WILL BE DISPOSED OF AT 3PM TODAY.] Argh! Hey fridge, I got a question for you! How many fingers am I holding up!?...



Don't let this happen to you: Study hard! Label your food! Don't talk to refrigerators!

Place Holder

Greetings and Salutations:

Paragraph full of rants regarding inane but totally annoying idiosyncracies of co-workers (particularly noticable in the kitchen during the pre-coffee hours). Snide remark. Minor complaint. Second minor complaint with reassurances that this is not meant to be a personal attack on certain unnamed persons (who know who they are!). Colorful explative! Major complaint buried deep within the paragraph obscuring its true significance, resulting in most people missing the point entirely and creating future misunderstandings. Sarcastic remark. Semi-nice remark to make up for the sarcasm, but, in point of fact, causing the reader to be utterly confused and bewildered.

Condescendingly detailed instructions regarding how to use a Sharpie and apply Tape and when exactly 3pm occurs- pissing everybody off. Continuation of the instructions. Bullet point and ALL CAPS, which everyone wishes were actual bullets at this point. Gratuitously graphic description of what will happen to your food if it's left unlabeled. Ingratiating and disingenuous remarks about how this whole things arises nobly and selflessly from a direct application of our agreed-upon corporate values, which is completely untrue, and nobody believes anyway, since, in fact, it arises out of an awkward and uncomfortable and completely unrelated personal matter that is being inflicted on coworkers.

Total change in direction. Remorse. Remorse. Remorse. Taking responsibility for all that is wrong in the world, politics, wars, plagues, and the state of the bathroom- way too much information. Overly-familiar chumminess causing the reader to wonder if the author is drunk and/or completely off his rocker. Off-color remark about the CEO, my boss, and the head of engineering. Further elaboration of said remark, increasing the readers' discomfort, creating a peculiar feeling in the pit of their stomach, and confirming their worst suspicions. A last (failed) attempt at normalcy, trying to identify with the perceived plight of coworkers and in the process, completely alienating them.

Simple, professional, complimentary closing,

Name

[Equivocation followed by testoterone-induced wrong-headed decision to send email to entire office.]

Invasion of the Tofu Wieners

Late at night, an isolated farm somewhere way out west...

Boing-oing-oing-oing! Phhht! Didder-didder-didder-didder!...

"Ma! C'mere! I think we got some 'visitors'."
"Not them damn Martians again. I sure ain't getting' probed THIS time, and they tracked a lotta' dirt in the house with all them big long wigglin' toes."
"No ma, I think we got some Tofu Wieners."
"Tofu Wieners?"

[Greetings! Are you vegan? We are vegan. We are tasty. We are tasty! Mmmm. Mmmm. Boing! Boing! Boing! Tasty. Tasty. Tasty!]

"Well, lookee there! All them l'il fellers just hoppin' around. They're so darn cute, I think I'll just try one-" Chomp-chomp-chomp...Gulp!
"Hmm, NOBODY'S gonna' say, 'Tastes like chick-' Argagh-- grumphba..."
"Boy! What's happenin' to you?"
[Mother, I feel, 'different' somehow. More at peace with the world. Do you have some herbal tea? I must read poetry.] "Omigawsh! The tofus got my son's brain!"

Fridge. 3pm. All unlabeled food will be thrown out- even yours (complimentary sharpie & tape provided for your labeling pleasure).

No tofu wieners were harmend in the creation of this email (even though we wanted to).

CRW

EduAvengers Issue #208

"Quick! To the EduCar!"
"Wait man! I'm not done with my Edubeer. Hold on, let me put it in the EduFridge...
Edu-ewe!!! What's that smell?!"
"It wasn't me."
"No, from the EduFridge."
"I don't know what it is, but that smell is not EduCool EduFool."
"Quick! EduPowers Activate!"
"Form of a responsible adult"
"Whoa Mr. EduDude! Responsible adult?! Okay, okay, let me see here- Shape of another responsible adult."
"Oh man, you are SO original."
"Now,let's label our EduFood."
"I am only a responsible adult in shape. I'm going to hide mine in the back of the fridge."
"Oh geez! This isn't quite working out."
"Edunator help us!"
"Yah Edusofties! I will be kleaningk out dee fridge aht three! Ahll unlabeled and old food will be decimated. Unless it's tasty, then I will assimilate it into my being. Mmm! Edulicious!"
"Whoa! Thanks Edunator!"

Next Issue: "Attack of the Killer Burritos!" where we'll hear our heroes say, "Quick! To the EduToilet!"

Vegetable Song!

This one goes out to every kid who's been stuck at the dinner table with a huge portion of overcooked broccoli, and forced to shovel that @#$% into his poor frown of a mouth in order to leave the table and watch his favorite TV show:

Vegetables are good for you!
Eat them every day.
Vegetables are good for you!
Eat them anyway.

They'rrrrrrrrrrrrrre,
Not like perfiteroles
Not like Ore-ohs
Not like Chocolate cake
Not like donuts, doh!

Yeah!
Vegetables are good for you!
Eat them every day.
Vegetables are good for you!
Eat them anyway.

Potatoes have eyes,
Carrots are roots,
Corn has ears,
Tomatoes are fruits.

Ohhhh,
Vegetables are good for you!
Eat them every day.
Vegetables are good for you!
Eat them anyway.

Don't leave them in the cooler
For extended periods of time.
Don't boil them too long.
Reduce your cooking time.

Make sure you eat them quick,
Or I'll have to throw them away,
Along with all the unlabeled food,
At 3pm today.

Remember thaaaaaaaaaaat,
Vegetables are good for you!
Eat them every day.
Vegetables are good for you!
Eat them anyway.

How's it hangin' string bean!
Woo-hoo! Yeah, nice cabbage patch!
Bell Peppah in the hot house!
Whattup Mr. Brussel Sprout!
Fresh!

Thus Spoke Zara Thru A Straw

Woe to ye mere mortals
Whose food is more mortal than thee!

For I shall cause thine perishables
Forsaken, and left, lost and unlabeled,
To rot and decay and become stinky.

Then, yeah baby, THEN!
I will send a messenger
To cast them out of the cool darkness
Into a hellish pit, to, um,
Further rot and decay and become
Yet more stinky, and, and, GROSS! HA!

Yea, and this shall come to pass
At three this Friday afternoon.

- The Kitchen Oracle

Eggplant Noir

In she walked, one creamy Cambazola wrapped up tight in saran.
I could tell she was ripe.
But she hadn't gone bad.
Yet.
"Cheese!" I blurted out.
"Cool it Mr. Cucumber," she stammered, "I'm here because... my... friends..."
Was that a tear rolling down her rind or just condensation?
"...expired," I said, because I already knew how it ended.
I had cleaned out those no-names and mold-oldies last Friday at 3pm, and I was set for a repeat performance today.
"With friends like those, lady, you'd better get back on your shelf before you wind up on the wrong side of a milk carton."
She dried up quick after that and gave me a hard grating look before leaving in a huff.
The next time I saw her, she was cut to pieces in front of the Ritz- classy maybe, but still, a crummy way to go.

Pal Charlie

The OTHER other white meat

It has come to my attention that somebody has been storing severed limbs in the back of the fridge. I received several complaints last week from parties who thought they were pilfering lunchmeat and became inadvertent cannibals (although one gourmand gleefully checked this off his 'Must try!' list). Of course there is the whole question of the legality of storing these 'things' in the fridge at work and exactly where (or who?) they may have come from. Not to put too fine a point on it, I'd at the very least like to ask that these items- especially- be labeled to make it clear that they weren't put out for general consumption. Per our general refrigerator policy, they will of course be disposed of at 3pm, along with all the other unlabeled food.

El Charlisimo

Don't feed the animals!

After noticing several items such as milk and salami missing from the fridge or mauled, we rightly concluded that a displaced family of pygmy polar mice had taken up residency in our refrigerators (National Geographic has an excellent article documenting their emergence after a truck carrying equal parts lab mice and Rainier beer overturned outside a polar bear preserve). What are, to us, somewhat cramped refrigerators are to these diminuitive but ferocious wild animals a veritable arctic tundra. If you see what appear to be very buff looking mice in or around the fridge, proceed with extreme caution! As always,clearly label your food and wrap it tight. I will, at great risk to my own personal safety, be cleaning out any and all unlabeled food from the refrigerator at 3pm today.

Ranger Charlie

Greetings from Dagobah!

Food labeled not.
At 3pm,
Vanish it will.

JoM ISO BFH

Jar of Mayonnaise in search of Black Forest Ham for fun between the buns. Iceberg not Arugala. Wonder not Rye. Looking for high expiration date. No clubbing or 'au jus' tubbing. Turkeys need not apply.

3pm, food with no name=trash.

Olfactory Art Opening

This Friday at 3pm, I will construct found-art for the nose based on old and unlabeled food from the refrigerator. I will fling various substances violently into the trash and allow the random elements of fate and chance to actively participate. If you'd like to opt out of this momentous and historical (might I add on a personal note, utterly grandiose) occasion, make sure your food is labeled and fresh. I invite all to come by and inhale deeply, savoring the pungent and acrid aromas of decay. Should my creation evoke nausea, feel free to lean over and add your own personal contribution to this artistic endeavor.

El Charlismo

Four More Years!

... and that head of lettuce would REALLY shtink. At 3pm today, all Vegetables of Mass Destruction and any unidentified substances in the fridge will be disposed of, without debate.

Name, Rank & Expiration Date

All detainees in Camp Refrigerator without proper ID will be extradited to Trashkanistan at 3pm.