Dear All,
My apologies, but appears that a key feature of our multi-refrigerator configuration has not been functioning for some time (if at all), and we are attempting to have it repaired. Since most homes have only a single fridge, the 'temporal phase shifting' feature isn't turned on, but it's extremely useful in an office such as ours. Ideally you should be able to put your food in any one fridge and retrieve it from any of the other refrigerators. Unfortunately it looks like this module has either been broken or disabled on 2 of the refrigerators and food is actually 'disappearing' from the 3rd fridge, while lint and unmatched socks have been accumulating in its condensation tray. In fact, it looks like certain items are particularly vulnerable to disappearance, such as ice cream (probably due to its unique temperature/density characteristics). At the very least we'll have 'temporal phase shifting' disabled on the 3rd fridge, but I'm hoping we can repair the other two so I can clean all three at once. Until then, you will still need to retrieve your own food from the fridge where you placed it. Per usual, please remember that any old and unlabeled food in the refrigerators will be thrown out at 3pm today.
Regards,
Charlismo
Friday, February 25, 2005
Friday, February 18, 2005
Electric Nightmares
I am a fridge. I am fridgeness. I feel the pulse and hum of freon coursing through my veins. Coldhearted. Merciless. Door opens. Door closes. When does the light go on or off? Sometimes, just for kicks, I flash it when the door is still closed- just for my own satisfaction. You think you know your fridge. Some guy comes in at 3pm this Friday just to throw away your old food, left to rot anonymously. You don't know what it's like, day in, day out, standing here, sucking power from my electric IV. Where's the freedom in that? I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to star with Deniro. I wanted him to go to the fridge and stare hungrily into it, and I'd be staring out, lighting his face up with an eerie phosphorous glow, like in Taxi Driver or Raging Bull...
Huh? Oh, I gotta go. Baby Cake! Mmmmm!
Hey! Put the cake in here. Cool. Inviting. Safe.
Charlismo
Huh? Oh, I gotta go. Baby Cake! Mmmmm!
Hey! Put the cake in here. Cool. Inviting. Safe.
Charlismo
Friday, February 11, 2005
Beta Test Appliance Integration
"Whoa! Where'd this funky fridge come from? What's this slot? Hmm, I don't see a door."
[HI THERE. I'M THE NEW QUIZ FRIDGE! ANSWER MY QUESTION AND I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR LUNCH!] Yeah, wow. I'm thrilled.
[WHAT IS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 49?]
Sevennowgivememylunchpunk!
[DEE-DOT. BIP. BOOP. HUMMMMMM. THAT QUESTION WAS MUCH TOO EASY FOR YOUR SKILL LEVEL. I MUST ASK A SECOND QUESTION IN ORDER TO GIVE YOU YOUR LUNCH.] Wha?! Uh! Wait! You said that if I answe...
[Let a sequence of polynomials be defined by P_1(x) = x^2 - 1, P_2(x) = 2x^3 - 2x, and (P_i(x))^2 - (x^2 - 1)^2 = P_i-1 (x) * P_i+1 (x). Find the highest power of 2 dividing the sum of the absolute values of the coefficients of P_k(x) for each k.] Okay, um, just a second here, that's um,... I actually don't know the answer to that question. I think it's approximately 3.
[YOU ARE WRONG! DING-DONG! YOU ARE WRONG! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! FRIDGE BEATS HUMAN! WOOHOOOOOO! I AM THE WINNER! DING-DONG! WHIIRRRRRRRR-WHIRRRRR! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! HAH-HAAAAH! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP, EL ESTUPIDO! ] What kind of quiz machine are you anyway? Aren't, [sob], aren't you supposed to have all the bells and whistles go off when I get the answer right?
[WHY WOULD I DO THAT?]
I don't know. That's the way it usually works. You reward someone when they get the answer right.
[HMM. IF I BEAT YOU DON'T I GET THE REWARD?... DO YOU WANT YOUR LUNCH NOW?] Yeah.
[NAME?]
Name? My name's not ON my lunch.
[I’M SORRY. I CANNOT RETRIEVE YOUR LUNCH IF IT IS NOT LABELLED. ALL UNLABELLED FOOD WILL BE DISPOSED OF AT 3PM TODAY.] Argh! Hey fridge, I got a question for you! How many fingers am I holding up!?...
Don't let this happen to you: Study hard! Label your food! Don't talk to refrigerators!
[HI THERE. I'M THE NEW QUIZ FRIDGE! ANSWER MY QUESTION AND I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR LUNCH!] Yeah, wow. I'm thrilled.
[WHAT IS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 49?]
Sevennowgivememylunchpunk!
[DEE-DOT. BIP. BOOP. HUMMMMMM. THAT QUESTION WAS MUCH TOO EASY FOR YOUR SKILL LEVEL. I MUST ASK A SECOND QUESTION IN ORDER TO GIVE YOU YOUR LUNCH.] Wha?! Uh! Wait! You said that if I answe...
[Let a sequence of polynomials be defined by P_1(x) = x^2 - 1, P_2(x) = 2x^3 - 2x, and (P_i(x))^2 - (x^2 - 1)^2 = P_i-1 (x) * P_i+1 (x). Find the highest power of 2 dividing the sum of the absolute values of the coefficients of P_k(x) for each k.] Okay, um, just a second here, that's um,... I actually don't know the answer to that question. I think it's approximately 3.
[YOU ARE WRONG! DING-DONG! YOU ARE WRONG! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! FRIDGE BEATS HUMAN! WOOHOOOOOO! I AM THE WINNER! DING-DONG! WHIIRRRRRRRR-WHIRRRRR! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! HAH-HAAAAH! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP, EL ESTUPIDO! ] What kind of quiz machine are you anyway? Aren't, [sob], aren't you supposed to have all the bells and whistles go off when I get the answer right?
[WHY WOULD I DO THAT?]
I don't know. That's the way it usually works. You reward someone when they get the answer right.
[HMM. IF I BEAT YOU DON'T I GET THE REWARD?... DO YOU WANT YOUR LUNCH NOW?] Yeah.
[NAME?]
Name? My name's not ON my lunch.
[I’M SORRY. I CANNOT RETRIEVE YOUR LUNCH IF IT IS NOT LABELLED. ALL UNLABELLED FOOD WILL BE DISPOSED OF AT 3PM TODAY.] Argh! Hey fridge, I got a question for you! How many fingers am I holding up!?...
Don't let this happen to you: Study hard! Label your food! Don't talk to refrigerators!
Friday, February 04, 2005
Place Holder
Greetings and Salutations:
Paragraph full of rants regarding inane but totally annoying idiosyncracies of co-workers (particularly noticable in the kitchen during the pre-coffee hours). Snide remark. Minor complaint. Second minor complaint with reassurances that this is not meant to be a personal attack on certain unnamed persons (who know who they are!). Colorful explative! Major complaint buried deep within the paragraph obscuring its true significance, resulting in most people missing the point entirely and creating future misunderstandings. Sarcastic remark. Semi-nice remark to make up for the sarcasm, but, in point of fact, causing the reader to be utterly confused and bewildered.
Condescendingly detailed instructions regarding how to use a Sharpie and apply Tape and when exactly 3pm occurs- pissing everybody off. Continuation of the instructions. Bullet point and ALL CAPS, which everyone wishes were actual bullets at this point. Gratuitously graphic description of what will happen to your food if it's left unlabeled. Ingratiating and disingenuous remarks about how this whole things arises nobly and selflessly from a direct application of our agreed-upon corporate values, which is completely untrue, and nobody believes anyway, since, in fact, it arises out of an awkward and uncomfortable and completely unrelated personal matter that is being inflicted on coworkers.
Total change in direction. Remorse. Remorse. Remorse. Taking responsibility for all that is wrong in the world, politics, wars, plagues, and the state of the bathroom- way too much information. Overly-familiar chumminess causing the reader to wonder if the author is drunk and/or completely off his rocker. Off-color remark about the CEO, my boss, and the head of engineering. Further elaboration of said remark, increasing the readers' discomfort, creating a peculiar feeling in the pit of their stomach, and confirming their worst suspicions. A last (failed) attempt at normalcy, trying to identify with the perceived plight of coworkers and in the process, completely alienating them.
Simple, professional, complimentary closing,
Name
[Equivocation followed by testoterone-induced wrong-headed decision to send email to entire office.]
Paragraph full of rants regarding inane but totally annoying idiosyncracies of co-workers (particularly noticable in the kitchen during the pre-coffee hours). Snide remark. Minor complaint. Second minor complaint with reassurances that this is not meant to be a personal attack on certain unnamed persons (who know who they are!). Colorful explative! Major complaint buried deep within the paragraph obscuring its true significance, resulting in most people missing the point entirely and creating future misunderstandings. Sarcastic remark. Semi-nice remark to make up for the sarcasm, but, in point of fact, causing the reader to be utterly confused and bewildered.
Condescendingly detailed instructions regarding how to use a Sharpie and apply Tape and when exactly 3pm occurs- pissing everybody off. Continuation of the instructions. Bullet point and ALL CAPS, which everyone wishes were actual bullets at this point. Gratuitously graphic description of what will happen to your food if it's left unlabeled. Ingratiating and disingenuous remarks about how this whole things arises nobly and selflessly from a direct application of our agreed-upon corporate values, which is completely untrue, and nobody believes anyway, since, in fact, it arises out of an awkward and uncomfortable and completely unrelated personal matter that is being inflicted on coworkers.
Total change in direction. Remorse. Remorse. Remorse. Taking responsibility for all that is wrong in the world, politics, wars, plagues, and the state of the bathroom- way too much information. Overly-familiar chumminess causing the reader to wonder if the author is drunk and/or completely off his rocker. Off-color remark about the CEO, my boss, and the head of engineering. Further elaboration of said remark, increasing the readers' discomfort, creating a peculiar feeling in the pit of their stomach, and confirming their worst suspicions. A last (failed) attempt at normalcy, trying to identify with the perceived plight of coworkers and in the process, completely alienating them.
Simple, professional, complimentary closing,
Name
[Equivocation followed by testoterone-induced wrong-headed decision to send email to entire office.]
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