Thus Spoke Zara Thru A Straw

Woe to ye mere mortals
Whose food is more mortal than thee!

For I shall cause thine perishables
Forsaken, and left, lost and unlabeled,
To rot and decay and become stinky.

Then, yeah baby, THEN!
I will send a messenger
To cast them out of the cool darkness
Into a hellish pit, to, um,
Further rot and decay and become
Yet more stinky, and, and, GROSS! HA!

Yea, and this shall come to pass
At three this Friday afternoon.

- The Kitchen Oracle

Eggplant Noir

In she walked, one creamy Cambazola wrapped up tight in saran.
I could tell she was ripe.
But she hadn't gone bad.
Yet.
"Cheese!" I blurted out.
"Cool it Mr. Cucumber," she stammered, "I'm here because... my... friends..."
Was that a tear rolling down her rind or just condensation?
"...expired," I said, because I already knew how it ended.
I had cleaned out those no-names and mold-oldies last Friday at 3pm, and I was set for a repeat performance today.
"With friends like those, lady, you'd better get back on your shelf before you wind up on the wrong side of a milk carton."
She dried up quick after that and gave me a hard grating look before leaving in a huff.
The next time I saw her, she was cut to pieces in front of the Ritz- classy maybe, but still, a crummy way to go.

Pal Charlie

The OTHER other white meat

It has come to my attention that somebody has been storing severed limbs in the back of the fridge. I received several complaints last week from parties who thought they were pilfering lunchmeat and became inadvertent cannibals (although one gourmand gleefully checked this off his 'Must try!' list). Of course there is the whole question of the legality of storing these 'things' in the fridge at work and exactly where (or who?) they may have come from. Not to put too fine a point on it, I'd at the very least like to ask that these items- especially- be labeled to make it clear that they weren't put out for general consumption. Per our general refrigerator policy, they will of course be disposed of at 3pm, along with all the other unlabeled food.

El Charlisimo

Don't feed the animals!

After noticing several items such as milk and salami missing from the fridge or mauled, we rightly concluded that a displaced family of pygmy polar mice had taken up residency in our refrigerators (National Geographic has an excellent article documenting their emergence after a truck carrying equal parts lab mice and Rainier beer overturned outside a polar bear preserve). What are, to us, somewhat cramped refrigerators are to these diminuitive but ferocious wild animals a veritable arctic tundra. If you see what appear to be very buff looking mice in or around the fridge, proceed with extreme caution! As always,clearly label your food and wrap it tight. I will, at great risk to my own personal safety, be cleaning out any and all unlabeled food from the refrigerator at 3pm today.

Ranger Charlie

Greetings from Dagobah!

Food labeled not.
At 3pm,
Vanish it will.

JoM ISO BFH

Jar of Mayonnaise in search of Black Forest Ham for fun between the buns. Iceberg not Arugala. Wonder not Rye. Looking for high expiration date. No clubbing or 'au jus' tubbing. Turkeys need not apply.

3pm, food with no name=trash.

Olfactory Art Opening

This Friday at 3pm, I will construct found-art for the nose based on old and unlabeled food from the refrigerator. I will fling various substances violently into the trash and allow the random elements of fate and chance to actively participate. If you'd like to opt out of this momentous and historical (might I add on a personal note, utterly grandiose) occasion, make sure your food is labeled and fresh. I invite all to come by and inhale deeply, savoring the pungent and acrid aromas of decay. Should my creation evoke nausea, feel free to lean over and add your own personal contribution to this artistic endeavor.

El Charlismo

Four More Years!

... and that head of lettuce would REALLY shtink. At 3pm today, all Vegetables of Mass Destruction and any unidentified substances in the fridge will be disposed of, without debate.

Name, Rank & Expiration Date

All detainees in Camp Refrigerator without proper ID will be extradited to Trashkanistan at 3pm.