Thus Spoke Zara Thru A Straw

Woe to ye mere mortals
Whose food is more mortal than thee!

For I shall cause thine perishables
Forsaken, and left, lost and unlabeled,
To rot and decay and become stinky.

Then, yeah baby, THEN!
I will send a messenger
To cast them out of the cool darkness
Into a hellish pit, to, um,
Further rot and decay and become
Yet more stinky, and, and, GROSS! HA!

Yea, and this shall come to pass
At three this Friday afternoon.

- The Kitchen Oracle

Eggplant Noir

In she walked, one creamy Cambazola wrapped up tight in saran.
I could tell she was ripe.
But she hadn't gone bad.
Yet.
"Cheese!" I blurted out.
"Cool it Mr. Cucumber," she stammered, "I'm here because... my... friends..."
Was that a tear rolling down her rind or just condensation?
"...expired," I said, because I already knew how it ended.
I had cleaned out those no-names and mold-oldies last Friday at 3pm, and I was set for a repeat performance today.
"With friends like those, lady, you'd better get back on your shelf before you wind up on the wrong side of a milk carton."
She dried up quick after that and gave me a hard grating look before leaving in a huff.
The next time I saw her, she was cut to pieces in front of the Ritz- classy maybe, but still, a crummy way to go.

Pal Charlie

The OTHER other white meat

It has come to my attention that somebody has been storing severed limbs in the back of the fridge. I received several complaints last week from parties who thought they were pilfering lunchmeat and became inadvertent cannibals (although one gourmand gleefully checked this off his 'Must try!' list). Of course there is the whole question of the legality of storing these 'things' in the fridge at work and exactly where (or who?) they may have come from. Not to put too fine a point on it, I'd at the very least like to ask that these items- especially- be labeled to make it clear that they weren't put out for general consumption. Per our general refrigerator policy, they will of course be disposed of at 3pm, along with all the other unlabeled food.

El Charlisimo