Ernesto Gato

I miss my cat, Ernie. I got Ernie when I was 2. He was named after Enie of Ernie & Bert in Sesame Street. You know, were they gay? They were gay weren't they. The first closeted gay puppets on TV. Crazy!

Anyway, I tortured Ernie. I used to squeeze his back until he snapped at me, and I would bug him until he would fight. I would blow in his ears until he couldn't stand it and flicked them repeatedly, figured out it was me and hissed. I tried to give him baths and force him into a bucket of cold water. I did all the mean things you would do to an animal that you loved. I'm sure I threw him too, but I never swung him by his tail, although I wouldn't have put it by me.

I loved my cat. He slept in my bed almost every night. If I opened the covers he would go down and nestle in my belly and I would curl around him, and he would purr purr purr. Sometimes he would sleep on my head. I would wake up and he would be lying curled up right on my ear with his tail under my nose like a moustache.

Ernie would come sit on my lap at the table and eat whatever food we gave him. He really didn't jump on top of the table or steal food, or beg, he just was interested enough in it that we gave him some. At a certain point we gave in and just started setting a place for him at the table. He seemed happy about that, and everyone else was pretty much into it too. I mean, it wasn't like he just ate meat. My mom would put a piece of lettuce on the table and he would eat that too.

For most of his life, he just got dry food and milk. He didn't always eat the milk, but the food seemed to work fine for him. His favorite food however was cantaloupe rind. We would put a cantaloupe rind down and he would lick it across the floor and back. Such a strange cat.

Ernie was a seal-point Siamese, and we did have him spayed, still, I think he had an uncommonly nice personality. Clearly he was capable of putting up with me.

My favorite story to tell is about the Moosheses. They were a family that lived across the streets, and they had 3 daughters, one of whom was my age. They were the kind of girls that played with Barbies. Girly girls.

One day, that little girl and I, after swimming, decided that we should introduce Ernie, my cat, to her poodle. Brilliant! So, she brought her poodle over to our backyard, and she, in her swimsuit, hoisted her poodle up, and I, in my swimsuit, hoisted Ernie up, and we made them kiss, rub noses, however you want to describe this insanely stupid act. Ernie, well, was not happy, and clawed his way up my bare chest, up my face, on to the top of my head, and lept far away. The poodle and the little girl left. So, being bloody, scared and abandoned, I went inside, crying to get help from my brothers, who were in the living room watching TV. Hearing my sobs, my brothers looked up at my bloody face and chest and said, "Wait 'til the commercial. Go in the kitchen and clean yourself off." Luckily my mom came home and they got in big trouble, I'm not sure, maybe I did too.

Amendment

I know why we all go to the library, and partly it's the free wifi, but I could always get that at a cafe, but it's the comfort, being surrounded by all those books, the friendliness of the unhip librarians, the traffic of people, all kinds of people - young old, brilliant, deranged - and nobody is there judging you, or at least no one has that job, because of course we judge each other, well or poorly, the mind does judge, we are all Gods children, good, bad, deserving, privileged, spoiled, trash, quality, crazy, solid. That we do. That we do.

Sometimes I look around and I think about the fact that we, all of us, will die. I think that because it's such an odd thing to realize, in this business of living. Beginning. Middle. End.

Land of the Jobberworky - The Library

I live about 2 doors and a school down from the public library, and I don't have Internet at home so this is where I've been spending a lot of my time while unemployed. True, it's not the best place to network, unless you're planning on joining a grade school or the ranks of the crazy. I myself do not aspire to such lofty goals, nay, 'tis mere jobwork that I seek. There are ahost of distractions as well, and they also fall into the two aforementioned categories, crazy people and schoolchildren.

1. The other day, a guy with a runny nose and no kleenex, was reading so voraciously that he couldn't pause to wipe his nose, and so every few seconds, he cleared his throat, and Sniiiiiiiiiiiifffed his snot back up his nose.

2. Quietly, oh so quietly, schoolchildren play tag amidst the tables, stifling their giggles, oh but with whispery quietude running rapidly to and fro, and to, and fro, to fro, two fros, tofus.

3. Can one have an interesting conversation with oneself, loudly, in the library, if everyone is listening?

4. If you stand in front of the reference librarian and yell at them loudly, do you get a better response?

5. Should you bathe before you arrive at the library or should you postpone until next year? Even if you are a chain smoking bicyclist?

I love the library, free wifi, lotsa good books, videos, and pleasant and well informed librarians and staff. And it's all free. Amazing!

BSG - The End!

Well, I now have more time in my week, because Battlestar Galactica has finished, for good, and it was a very good story indeed. Written by Ronald D. Moore, older brother of Michael Moore, whom I went to gradeschool with in Chowchilla, it could have been a mere rehashing of a hackneyed set of characters and one-act plots. Instead, it sets itself apart with a strong unpredictable narrative, a complex set of characters and multiple intertwined plotlines. It is emblematic of that breed of serialized stories such as "The Wire" that have come to replace simple one-act sit-coms with their unchanging characters and laugh-tracks (I'm guessing that "Mad Men" also falls into this category). I forget the commentator who said it, but what's going on in TV right now rivals what's happening with the movies. I think the possibility of this serialized type of story is driving it. Why now? I don't know if it's technology per se but rather the specialization, financing, and audiences now being generated by cable television.

Only The Lonely

I got new contacts today, and I can see better than I've been able to see in about, oh, 15 years! I'm sitting in my favorite cafe, trying to doink out a blog entry. Still, contacts make you feel like you have something in your eye, because you have, in fact, on purpose, stuck something in your eye.

The only things I can think to write about are mundane. Really mundane. I mean, so mundane. I want to talk about trimming my finger nails, and how I might work at a tanning salon. Who the hell wants to hear about that? Yeah, it's good to write consistently in a blog, but you gotta have something worth reading.

I tell you what, I love swing dancing, and one of the most rewarding and difficult things to do is connect with your partner, which is why I now blues dance as well, because I have to work on connection. Connection is difficult. You have to play games in order to connect. If you can't figure out the game, and aren't willing to play, Zzzt! No connection.

Fiery Petal

Fiery Petal,
Fallen in the snow,
Burns,

Vices

Here are a list of my current vices, just so I don't get confused and forget to indulge.

Okay, let's just say sex goes without saying, and as far as vices I think the Internet is really built on this one, so I'll just start in no particular order with #2, including subcategories.

TV
24 - Pure unadulterated adrenaline. It's my roommate's fault.
Battlestar Gallactica- The new series is co-written by Ronald D. Moore, who is the older brother of Michael Moore, who was in my grade in Chowchilla. That alone would get me to watch the show, but actually the Cyclons have gotten bigger, meaner, and in some cases, smokin' hot, 6 or 7, I forget?
Doctor Who (remixed) - I can't really believe this, but you can check out the new series at the library, and the special effects are pretty good, the emotional content and the weird ideas are so much better than anything you find anywhere else.
Mexican TV - girls & soccer. Need I say more?


Reading
Okay, just finished the last Harry Potter book, and uh, well, two days. So, yes, addicted. Haruki Murikami, some really cool blogs, and a subscription to Fantasy & Science Fiction Magazine (which I'm still not totally comfortable reading in public) haven't helped matters.

Rice Cakes
This would be the natural kind, NOT the Quaker adulterated with corn kind. There are two brands that I like, one is from Belgium, and I can only find it in my local green grocer. They're rectangular, with rounded corners. The ones I like best have other grains, including spelt, and uh, another natural grain (not corn). The other ones are Lundberg. There are a few others, but for the money, Lundberg's are the best. There is definitely a politics of rice cakes going on. In safeway, the shelves are lined with Quakers cakes of crap, and there is one, maybe two rows of Lundberg at the verrrrry bottom. I think Quaker must pay for shelf space. The best way to eat them is either plain, or with some avocado smashed on top with freshly ground pepper and sea salt.

Peanut Butter (and jelly)
I figure that 15-20% of my current body is formed from the consumption of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. If there isn't bread, I resort to using flour tortillas to make pb&j burritos. If there isn't jelly, I use honey (and sometimes throw in banana or raisins). When I say "peanut butter" I mean ground peanuts and salt. Period. No GSM, organic is fine but not necessary. My favorite brand is Laura Scudders, surprisingly, but they use a particular kind of peanut that is distinctively good. No palm oil or any other crap is necessary.

I know somebody may ask "Well, how do you keep peanut butter from separating?" This is easy. All you have to do is mix it up, you can even shake it. I like to throw it up in the air with centrifical force so that it spins. For a safer alternative, spin it on a formica counter. After doing this several times until it's lost it's novelty, I put the jar upside down in the fridge. When you open it, viola! Mixed. Small price to pay for salmonella-free peanut-butter.

Chocolate
This includes chocolate donuts, Reese's PB Cups, and various forms of 'slutty' chocolate, as well as ice-cream, ice-cream sandwiches, and especially of course DARK chocolate. However, this does not include caramel or Oreo's or chocolate-like or substances described as "chocolaty" or crap like that. Some, but not all cakes and cookies fall under this category, but like fruit, supermarkets have figured out how to make pastries look exciting while extracting every ounce of good taste out of them.

Swing Dancing
It's important to break this one down. This includes lindy-hop, Charleston, Balboa, Shag, uh, and repeat. Dancing is addictive. Really.

Sloppy Seconds

I used to try to start writing by throwing down a witty title. I like a good title! But then I would automatically start editing my writing so that it fit the title, and I can't write and edit at the same time, so now, no titles until I'm done. Just there, right there, I thought, oh perfect tile "Untitled", but I know better. What if I actually found a strand to write about? Then what? I'd have my title, and I couldn't create the focus on something else. No go. Nope. I know that little critic in my head is pacing impatiently behind his door. It's not his time. No, not yet.

I had a cup of tea with my English friend. All I texted her was "tea?" and I got back "Brilliant!" You can pretty much just throw down the word "tea" with English people and generate some positive energy. I've started using it as a pick-up line. It works with Asian chicks too. But you have to mean it. None of this herbal shit. You've got to mean tea, and tea is time, and time is a commitment. If you're having tea with a lady, you are willing to commit. That's it. Bottom line. Tea is not exactly an aphrodisiac, but it's the doorway to vulnerability. It can be at least. Okay, that title would be "tea" but I'm ditching that, because it's bullshit. Nobody likes to sit down and have coffee or tea. It's just, not, fun. People do it either to slow down the momentum or as a launch-point to what they really want, but if you just sit there and drink tea or coffee and talk without creating momentum to move somewhere else, you're lost.

I have nothing to say today, or nothing I want to say. Honesty. No. That's what I have to say. No. No I won't. No I don't want to. No, it's too hard. No, you can't make me. No, I don't think so. No, it's not the right time. No, I'm too tired. No, I'm too stressed out. No, tomorrow. No, I can't think straight. No, I'm ambivalent. No, I don't know you well enough. No, it's not important enough. No, I'll call back tomorrow. No, you just missed him. No, I don't have enough money. No, I don't have enough time. No, we've already discussed this. No.

I'm getting all my No's out where I can see them. It's like I'm pushing off time, as if I could save it for later, for when I'm ready. I'm never ready. My friend asked me to go kayaking and I said, "I'd like to say 'No' but I can't think of a good reason to." So he said, "Okay, let's go." And we went. Make no mistake. No is a decision often based on the misperception that you'll get a second chance. Time, at least for me, is linear. I have never gotten a second chance in my life, only another opportunity, and when I was smart, I took it.

Damn, I just wrote something good I needed to hear, and I can't think of a freakin' title. I hate that. Okay, how about a really bad title.

Monday Morning TV Flogger

I often feel like I'm trying to get something out of TV that it just can't give. As my friend says, "More of what you don't need won't fill you up."

So, I started this when it was still Monday morning. I'm sitting in my favorite cafe checking my email because that's a good thing to do on a Monday morning when you're unemployed in San Francisco, or maybe it's not such a good thing to do, but it's comforting.

I like reading. I like reading blogs, because it gives me hope that maybe a guy like me can actually do something meaningful with his life. Really, it's a tough sell.

I want to say something profound today, something that will save me from "the way things are" because I don't want to accept how fallible I am, how not good or hard-working, my bad decisions, and cowardliness. I want to find that hidden door that I can slip through, some second warriors body that's in deep freeze, that my mind was extracted from, and where it rightly belongs. I want to discover that switch that gets flipped, that scheme that they advertise on late-night TV that gives me rock-hard abs, and a real-estate empire. That's what I'm looking for. It's trouble. All roads lead to trouble.

Still, I am sitting here, blotto from watching too much late night TV, in my favorite cafe, having eaten a 7-layer sin bar, and the sun is out, my friends are about, and I am most likely going to make it through, despite my fear and anxiety.

God bless us, Everyone!

Bay Day & I love my Mom

I rode out in a kayak on the bay with my friend Chris. You look out at the bay from the shore and it appears peaceful, but there's a lot going on. I especially like the harbor seals, especially when they pop their heads up near you, and it's like the water is a blanket that they peak out from under.

I want to keep posting, so even though I have nothing to say today, I'm going to just write. Dammit. I'm just generally angry at the world. I'm mad at my friends for not returning my phone calls. I'm mad at San Francisco for being filled with smarter and more interesting people than myself. I'm mad at myself for squandering time, for not being X enough. This is bad, this is inane.

You know, one time my mom cooked a dinner that was horrible. Only once. What she did, was she was cooking a pot roast and instead of putting corn starch into the rue, she put baking soda, and it was disgusting. So, you know what we all did? Me, my mom, and my brothers and sisters stood around eating it, and making really disgusted comments and sounds about how horrible it tasted. "Ewe!", "Gross!", "Blech!" "Mom! How could you have done this?! This is the worstest meal you have ever ever made!" And that's how we ate our dinner that night. It was fun. My mom, who is an excellent cook, is an even better sport. We will never forget the night of the disgusting pot roast. I love my mom.

Just Okay

Even though I'm not the greatest, I still really like myself, like a chocolate chip cookie, or a bike you've ridden for years. But I wanted to start writing so this is my 'just okay' post. The thing I've noticed about blogs I like to read is that:

1. They're short.
2. They're broken up as lists.
3. They're conversational, but not chatty or emoticonified.
4. Even abstract ideas are presented in a personal manner.
5. They're interesting to read. The writer has a unique but not contrived voice.
6. Relevant. I'm unemployed so I'm reading blogs about getting a job, or being unemployed, or career searching.
7. There's a focus, but there's deviation from the focus, so it's not a narrow focus, and it's not 2-3 unrelated focuses. The posts kinda' hang together. So, in a sense, the personality of the posts is consistent. [I guess I might say that the blogger has made a commitment to consistently blogging, so each post is close enough to the last that it's internally consistent. Yeah, the blog reflects a commitment.]

Okay, well, I'm unemployed, but so is everyone else, so let's nix that one. There are some really really good blogs and pages on finding employment, and I'll post some links that I really like, but I'm not going to post on the "slacker life" or some crap like that. That is just so freakin' pompous. WFT?! It's just taking advantage of the social safety net for leisure. I mean, it's important to come to terms with being unemployed, especially if you're over 6 months unemployed, in which case it's cause for reflection as well as strategizing, i.e. frugality.

Here are the things that I'm interested in that I might post about. One blog I read said that you should only have 1 blog, and I've potentially got 5. So, the topics are:

1. Transportation. I've been thinking about this for a long time, and it's about cars bikes and public transportation, and what needs to happen in order to move forward, and what doesn't freakin' work. Ever ever ever. And what is just goopy green envirosnobbish impractical drivel, and there is a LOT out there. I've even got some. It's like phlegm, but more abstract.

2. Dating. Okay, this is the topic I am most likely to lie about. I'll do my best on this one.

3. Job/career crap. Being unemployed and how glamorous it is.

4. Spirituality.

5. Dancing.

Man, this is going to be tough. Okay, I'm going to stop here and try to see about formatting and putting some links in.