First Night

7:23pm Arrival

I peer through the door, in the twilight 2 pairs of feline eyes peer back at me; fear, trepidation, curiosity. I enter, doff my cap, and rest for a moment. I had intended to arrive much earlier but was waylaid due to classified spy work I perform for the homeland security department. I had three more loads to bring up. By the time I opened the door for the fourth time, I get a look from Ben that says, "Oh, you again.", and Spencer is too busy to greet. Clearly I am hired help, and they are becoming impatient.

8:00 I quickly rifled through the book of instructions, the few chapter headings that stood out, like "Vomit" and "Kitty Litter" did not bode well. Turning to page 29, I find the section on food. Blue in the morning, green at night. Gravy. Rinse. I got it right. Spencer at the wet food. Ben did not. At first, I was proud of Spencer...

8:17 I hear a hideous chugging coming from under the kitchen table. If the cat were a car, it would have been trying to start, but just turning over and over. Spence vomits up all the food he just ate under the kitchen table (thank GOD it's on the floor and not the rug). I flip through the pages to Vomit, Chapter 7, page 43- blue bottle, paper towels, wipe wipe. When Brian proposed paying me for staying in his tony condo, I demured. How could I accept recompense for living in this swank urban retreat? I'll tell you how!!

8:30 I begin putting away my groceries. Man does not live on Wine and Brie alone. It's a spectator sport. Ben, perched on the stove, and Spencer on the table, judge my form. I think I got a 5.5. I'll work on it.

I skip dinner. I'm too damn tired. I unpack. I walk around trying to find simple things that ought to be in obvious places, but which I can't find anywhere. I begin leafing through Brian's novella- "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About My Condo, But Were Afraid to Ask".

9:21 I take a break and sit on the sofa. Seizing the opportunity to shed on my clothing, Ben lobs himself deftly onto my lap. The rest of the evening is a blurr but I wind up in bed. How I got there, I'm not sure.

12:43am I awaken, briefly, to find Spencer measuring my head while Ben holds me down. I'm not sure, maybe they're prepping me for brain surgery. Oh well, it wouldn't be the first time.

5:34 I beat my alarm. Yes! I win! Wait, oh, what a drag. I need more sleep. I force myself to lay there. I lay there. I lay there some more. Continuing to lay there, I begin to think,... I hear an electronic beeping.

6:00 It's the alarm. I lay there. I force myself to get up. Oh joy! Ben and Spence are just soooooooo happy to see me. I think they're starving. Little do I suspect that I've been remiss in my duties and forgot to empty the litter box last night. Darnit! Never again!

6-6:30 CENSORED by Homeland Security.

6:30 I feed the cats. As soon as they're through eating, they take off. Ben harvests the last vestiges of warm emanating from the bed. Spencer is underneath working on his plans to take over the world through belly rubs.

7:00 I eat. Where is the measuring cup?! Where is a bowl?! Where are the spoons?! Where is the tea pot?! Oh my god! There's no tea pot!

7:15 Dressing. I forgot my belt at home!

7:30 Where is the car?! Where is the kitty poo recycling can?! I forgot my hat. I forgot my wallet. How do you back out of here? Oh man, how am I going to get the car back in. Argh! This is so relaxing I could just kill myself.